


A Study on the Sex Life of Arthur and Galahad (Please Stop Having Intercourse on Premises)

by pinkcherryblossomcats, sarkany



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Humour, M/M, fake academic writing, mentions of BDSM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 17:14:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,509
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8761945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkcherryblossomcats/pseuds/pinkcherryblossomcats, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarkany/pseuds/sarkany
Summary: The Arthur and Galahad substrates were found to be sexually compatible with 95% accuracy.





	

File 222732a.3.21 

02 Nov 2015 0547

MERLIN

 

 

A Study on the Sex Life of Arthur and Galahad

Please Stop Having Intercourse on Premises

 

**Abstract**

The Arthur and Galahad substrates were found to be sexually compatible with 95% accuracy. Despite the success of the sexual relationship between Arthur and Galahad, the cost to the rest of _Kingsman_ was highly detrimental to the effectiveness of the organization. This study finds that greater workplace efficacy can be achieved when Arthur and Galahad stop having intercourse on premises. However, their continued positive romantic and sexual relationship only improves the performance of the entire organization.

**Introduction**

Sexual satisfaction remains a salient component of some, but not all, romantic relationships. In turn, strong romantic relationships are correlated with improved mental health and working efficiency. Given that Arthur is nominal head of the _Kingsman_ agent department and Galahad is one of the top UK agents, their continued relationship success is integral to the _Kingsman_ organization as a whole and carries profound implications for the global fight for peace.

Based on an _excess of available data_ , the Merlin Department carried out a novel study to determine the mutual sexual satisfaction during and after intercourse between Arthur and Galahad. The entire Merlin Department compiled data and conducted data analysis for this study, and the resultant therapy costs are appended in the supplementary notes.

This study further seeks to address the question if the continued relationship between Arthur and Galahad is worth the cost to the rest of _Kingsman_ . Anecdotal evidence supplies a whole host of negative side effects from these sexual activities, especially regarding the mental health of the Merlin Department and Kingsman agents, the extra costs to Kingsman development division (i.e. stronger fabric that maintains tensile strength despite almost daily dry-cleaning of semen and seminal fluid), and the shortage of therapists available on premise due to the sheer number of agents requesting mental health counseling. The success of _Kingsman_ as an organization rests upon the ability of each department to perform at their full ability. While this study does not engage in an ethical debate, it evaluates the impact, positive or negative, Arthur and Galahad’s relationship has on the rest of the organization.

**Materials and Observations**

The materials were sourced from the surveillance for the entirety of Headquarters, specifically cameras 4-22, 45, 101-167. The footage remains archived in the _Kingsman_ server “Eyebleach” after undergoing routine review by the Merlin department. Choice clips have been appended to the supplementary notes.

Intercourse occurred at three main locations: Arthur’s office, the Round Table Room at one end of the rectangular table, and in Fitting Room 3. However, intercourse occurred at various other locations, including but not limited to: Merlin’s office, the shuttle, the cockpit of Arthur’s personal jet, the cockpit of the general Kingsman Agent Jet, the training barracks, and medical. The cost of disinfecting these rooms was deducted from the personal salaries of Arthur and Galahad. The mental cost of all personnel who stumbled across the amorous couple cannot be calculated.

With some variation, the average copulatory period between Arthur and Galahad occurred thusly:

22.3 grams of lube was used, the size of a standard Kingsman issue moisturizer packets. The Merlin department has accordingly switched to a water based moisturizer formula that does not degrade latex condoms. The penis was then applied to the orifice _without_ proper safety equipment, i.e. condoms.

Resultant seminars on sexual safety did not increase condom use. Random packets of “Ribbed For Her Pleasure” condoms specifically sent to Arthur did not increase condom use. Biweekly mandatory STI checkups implemented by medical marginally increased condom use by a factor of .2333 condoms/intercourse. Both Arthur and Galahad have been removed from missions requiring sexual contact (or just regular contact) as both of them are obviously incapable of following simple directions and completely _irresponsible about their own safety_.

Copulation at various speeds would then occur for variable amounts of time until both parties achieve ejaculation. The amount of ejaculate was estimated to average between 5-7ml. This volume was calculated from trace concentrations of seminal fluid left on various surfaces as well as estimations based on footage.

For n = 30 cases, ejaculation was achieved by both parties 29 times. Anomaly of n = 1: interrupted by a house pet (dog, JB), thus ejaculation was not achieved. n = 3: interrupted by various Kingsman, but ejaculation was still achieved, mostly due to sheer determination and a psychiatric diagnosis of “kinky fucks”.

Copulation increased in frequency during the middle of the month and reached peak frequency between the 14th to 21st of each month. The authors note that the 14th is when Arthur and Galahad first began their romantic liaison. Prolonged dates of copulation happen in May, their anniversary month. The authors send their congratulations and a bottle of Glenfiddich for the anniversary.

The budgetary forms from both medical and the Merlin departments can be requested from Financial. Other relevant forms have been appended to this report.

**Methods**

Sexual satisfaction was measured by the volume of exclamations. Acceptable exclamations include:

  * “Oh god”
  * “Harder”
  * Various moans
  * [redacted] or [redacted.
  * and combinations thereof



Besides clipped exclamations, the substrates also used variants of crude language to express demands from each other. These statements will be included as a qualitative variable as they cannot be measured numerically; the more explicit the demands/statements, the higher it will be ranked on the 0-5 scale. Statements are taken from footage stored in server “Eyebleach.”

Statements presented below are recorded word-by-word, no edits have been made in order for statements to remain authentic to the study:

  * “ _Please punish me, Sir. I need it, Sir._ ”
  * “ _Perhaps you’d like to be left here; all tied up, blindfolded, and gagged. Just so anyone could walk in at any moment and see you in this state. You like the sound of that, don’t you?_ ”
  * “ _I-I want you to use your belt, Sir._ ”
  * “ _Fuck,_ _[redacted]._ _! Stop, it hurts! Sir, please stop!_ ” (As reviewed from the footage, this was entirely consensual)
  * “ _Who’s my good boy, hm? That’s right. You’re my good boy._ ”



The complete annotated captions of the relevant footage can be found on the server “Eyebleach.”

**Discussion**

The Merlin department would like to further reiterate that:

  1. Standard-issue moisturizer should not be used for sexual intercourse
  2. Agents are supplied with lubricant for necessary missions
  3. Agents engaging in intercourse outside of mission parameters are expected to acquire their own lubricant
    1. However, _Kingsman_ as a whole would prefer its agents to engage in safe sex.
    2. Please requisition lubricant if you are somehow unable to acquire it otherwise.
  4. Agents are trained to be prepared for all situations, lubricant can be requisitioned with Form 34231a from Medical
    1. Please stop asking the Merlin department for lubricant. We neither care nor wish to know anything about your sex lives.
    2. The lovely folks at Medical will not laugh at you behind your backs and will certainly not start a betting pool.



It was found that condom usage increased with greater variety of condoms offered. Balloted suggestions have been opened to take in condom brand and variety suggestions from agents.

As a result of this study, several changes have been made to operating procedure. They are noted below and can be found in more detail in _Kingsman Agent: Standard Operating Procedure V.33 Appendix H: Revised Changes_. The authors strongly recommend heads of all departments, particularly Arthur, to review these changes.

SOP dictates that _only_ the handler engage with active agents in the field except in exigent circumstances, where additional handlers may be recruited. Due to the unique nature of Galahad and Arthur’s relationship, Arthur will be allowed to ‘supervise’ Galahad’s missions _alongside Merlin_. Please note that active missions begin right after debrief and extends until the agent submits their preliminary report. Even if the agent is not  engaging in espionage, comms must remain active and monitored by a handler. Arthur is strongly suggested to cease and desist his vulgar comments during missions. Please remain cognizant of the fact that all handlers undergo the same training as the agents and have henceforth been authorized to apply debilitating force should Arthur’s comment become professionally inappropriate.

In order to lessen the psychological toll on the rest of the organization, the Merlin Department and medical have begun  the process for recruiting, hiring, and training another therapist. However, agents and Arthur should be cognizant of how their behavior affects their coworkers. For instance, the Round Table is a communal area and should therefore remain safe for use for the rest of the organization. Cleaning semen, seminal fluid, and saliva is outside the scope of the janitorial department.

On the whole, the relationship between Arthur and Galahad strengthens _Kingsman_. The sole negative impact results from the complete inability of Arthur and Galahad to keep it in their pants while in the presence of their coworkers. However, this behavior is easily corrected, even if Merlin has to condition them himself. As such, the authors conclude that this relationship should continue, but that the sexual aspect should remain off work premises and after work hours.

 


End file.
